All the things we never said
by Fuyu no Sora
Summary: Words are powerful weapons. When Sei writes Youko a letter, how will she react to the honest contents of the letter....and Sei's heart?


Tears cascaded freely from the hazel-colored eyes of a certain black-haired girl that walked aimlessly despite the biting cold of the autumn time; it would be turning into winter soon enough. Again and again her gaze would go back to re-read the letter she held in her quivering hands.

_My Youko:_

_Jeez, I had a whole speech completely formed and planned out in my head but now that I'm here, trying to put it all down in paper, everything seems to have fled from me. God, my hands are shaking while I write you this; I'm torn between wanting to laugh or cry. _

_I'm writing you this letter because I know that what I'm trying to convey to you can only be done like this. As strange as it might seem, this letter is probably the only way in which I can finally tell you everything I should have done so long ago but didn't have the courage to do. I'm a coward, Youko. Back then and even now, as my trembling hands scribble these words, I had so many things that I wanted to tell you, so many things that I kept for myself for so long…because I was afraid. I kept trying to deny everything and lived in a lie that slowly but surely came back to haunt me when I least expected it, and most of all, when I least needed it. _

_Do you remember that fateful that in that train station? Of course you do, how could you forget? That day is the day that I slowly started to fall into an abyss that was both a Heaven and a Hell at the same time, remaining in a limbo from which I couldn't escape. As you came down from those stairs, I was still dazed from my Shiori-induced trance when you got next to me. The only words I could say to express my regret were "I'm sorry to have worried you." You simply said "You really did." And gave me a cookie when I finally came to. It was warm; like the feelings you had tried for so long to make me understand by caring for me from a distance. Once awakened, I saw your worried face and that expression of sadness that your face tried so hard to mask, yet your honest eyes would have revealed to anyone who wanted to see what was really in there. Always there, always waiting, always worrying. I tried to deny it. I tried to talk myself into believing that you were just trying to meddle, trying to help out a friend who, from the beginning, never even deserved such kindness. My soul had just been broken, my heart shattered into little pieces that I thought I had lost to the icy wind's whim; everything I was, gone with her in a second. You were there to find and pick up the pieces; you mended them slowly, in time and with that infernally eternal patience of yours, and with that same gentleness that you posses so thoroughly, you gave me back the breath of life. I was worse than a train wreck; you didn't care. You remained by my side, acting like a friend when what you longed for was to embrace me as a lover. _

_Why did you do that, Youko? Why? No, never mind, I know exactly why you did it, so let me rephrase my question: Why did you fall in love with me? Why me? Of all people, I was the one who no matter what you did I would brush you off and give back harsh words when all you wanted was to get just an inch closer. I was cold and cruel, but you never gave up on me. Now that I think about it, this is probably another reason why I have to write this to you. How could I face you, knowing that I've hurt you and that still now I'm hurting you? Knowing that I've been dishonest with you, with me and with everyone else? Knowing that I can't love you the way you want me to?_

_Don't get me wrong. If I could, I would give my whole heart to you; I would go to any lengths to make you happy. Yet why is it that, even though I want to with all my being, I can't jump in with both feet? Once again, it's my cowardice showing through…I'm weak, Youko, so much weaker than you could ever imagine. Yes, I know you love my weaknesses too, but I don't think I can face you…not just yet anyway… _

_I think I'm mostly afraid of myself. Of what would happen if I __**do**__ jump. You know how I am; when I focus on something only that matters to me…I would ignore anything else if I could see your smile everyday, if I could wake up with you by my side…and should something happen to you, should I lose you for some reason…the mere thought of it makes me want to scream. I'm deathly afraid. Of what could be, of the 'if's and of everything that could go wrong. I couldn't bear to lose you; my soul can't take any more hits like that._

_You can hate me if you want to. Since I waited until we were apart to tell you this, and I brought it upon myself, I wouldn't blame you at all if you did. Then again, knowing you, you probably won't hate me…if anything you'll forgive me and think I'm a dummy. You're so forgiving of me…_

_Lastly, I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my clumsiness; I'm sorry for making you suffer; I'm sorry for being such an idiot that I had to lose you to finally admit my feelings for you. I'm still where you left me, but you've gone away to somewhere I can't possibly reach you…because of my selfishness and the many fears that I have. For everything, I'm sorry. And…I love you._

_Sei._

A drop of water that had nothing to do with the tears that kept flowing from her eyes came to hit her outstretched hand; then, a few more. Before she knew it, she had stuffed the letter into her navy-blue coat to protect it from the sudden downpour that was unexpected but the girl was thankful for it. With her spirit in turmoil, she kept walking without a destination, the rain beating a steady tune in the background, neither noticing nor caring that she was completely soaked. All at once, as soon as the rain had come, it went away. Youko looked up; it was absurd, the sound of water hitting the pavement was still present and all around her the cold droplets were still falling down. A voice called her away from her thoughts "You shouldn't walk around in the rain like that, you'll catch a cold." And the black-haired girl immediately froze. Slowly, she turned around and came face-to-face with no less than Satou Sei herself, holding a black umbrella above their heads, wearing a snow-white dress shirt and black pants. _'Such fondness for black…'_ were her thoughts as she kept staring mutely at the blonde girl.

"Did you get my letter?" she asked, trying to break the uncomfortable silence that lingered around them like a particularly thick mist. Hazel eyes were still gazing into grey-blue as she could only muster a nod for an answer.

"I see." Sei contented herself to answer; a twinkle of sadness dancing in her eyes and the melancholy in her smile was more accentuated than before. They stared at each other in silence for another while before the taller of them broke the silence again, this time in a small, almost inaudible whisper.

"…Do you hate me?"

This seemed to finally make words rush back to the speechless girl whose eyes went incredibly wide and found her voice again.

"NO! No…I could never hate you." she sighed deeply "How could you think that?"

"I think I explained it well enough on the letter. You have every single reason in the world to hate me..." the girl's eyes became fully grey and darkened considerably as she looked away in shame. Youko shook her head and directed the other girl's gaze back to her.

"Listen to me. I could never, _ever_, hate you, Sei." She looked into her eyes with a fire that the blonde had seldom seen before "I love you too much to be able to hate you…"

Grey eyes became hazy and she asked in a small voice "Could you love a wretch like me?" Youko almost laughed at this.

"I already love you." She said in an emotion-filled tone "If what you wrote is true…if you really love me…if you really want to make it up to me for you clumsiness then take the jump." Seeing the surprise in her beloved's eyes, she kept talking before the other could say anything "You said so yourself, I tried to care for you from afar, now that I'm close can't I do the same? Don't be afraid of me, Sei." she placed the palm of her hand on the blonde's cheek and caressing it, she continued "Let me take care of your heart. All I want is you." Her now green eyes were pleading.

Sei felt despair clutching at her. How could she ever say no to such a face? She gave up completely and gave in to her feelings for the girl in front of her. She took her in her arms and gave her the strongest hug she could muster, clinging to her for dear life. "You asked for it" she murmured in her ear "Now, I'll never let you go. From now on, you're stuck with me, Mizuno Youko-san."

Youko put some distance between them and looked into the grey eyes she loved so much "I wouldn't have it any other way…my Sei." Were her last words before she pulled the blonde into a long awaited kiss.


End file.
